Fighting all the things that run strait through my head. I stare up at the ceiling thinking "how did I get here." I begin to break it down. Slowly but surly I have hit the bottom. It all started with Sammy, but what will it end with. Long lost thoughts and feelings that I avoid and push away so often hit me randomly with no rhyme or reason. I create circles that create spindles of memories that get so wrapped around everything else they become intertwined. "Round like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel. Like a snowball down a mountain or a carnival balloon." I remember vividly sitting on the floor watching my mom play that ever so familiar tune. Listening to the songs, when she played, I learned that if you close your eyes and let everything go, how the music seemed to hit your soul. The very inside of every feeling that you can hold and discover. Feelings that just need mending. Ones that you never knew were there. Sometimes I wish I was still that little girl sitting on the floor in front of her. Breathing in the smell of her avocado soap and studying the graceful movements of her fingers. When the air around me is so familiar. No sand, no dust, no feeling like I'm breathing underwater due to humidity. Not trying to block out the horrible smell of gear that has mildewed or the smell of the tent that is filled with to many sweating people. Choking on the spray that they try to use to cover it up.
Anyway other than the depressing beginning, which seems to always happen with my blogs. Work is getting better. The headaches are still horrible, but I'm so used to it now that it has become a normal way of life.
Sorry I didn't have anything more interesting.
Stay with me,
Love from a Soldier
Clare Kathryn
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Strong
I was recently told by a very good friend that,
Physically I am beautiful.
Emotionally I am soft (the way a woman should be)
and Mentally I am strong
As I think about that I wonder how much of that is really true. Or how the dynamics of it really work. For instance how emotionally soft can I get before it starts to tear away at my mental strength? How physically beautiful can I be if I am mentally torn down and week? Is it all tied together into one? Thinking inside the box, you would think that none of them relate to one another, but think like this for a moment. What if I am emotionally a wreck? That I can't do anything but sit and stare and continuously into an abyss of the mistakes that caused me to crash? I am this way because I no longer can mentally handle what is happening. So I am no longer mentally strong. With both of those gone I become consumed with the regrets, lose, and torment of a horrid nightmare that I have settled my life to become. I stop looking in a mirror. My hair becomes a mess and the wrinkles and crows feet begin to appear as deep as sidewalk cracks. So by that time would I have lost everything. Damn that would suck.
Every time someone claims that I am strong I deny it. I always say that it is just simply a mask that I am so good at creating. After everything that I have put myself through in the last couple of months I know now that that is a lie. I am not emotionally sound all of the time. I am constantly getting into trouble at work for being to emotional. I get angry easy and am quick to shut down. I hate my job and the things that my days hold. Yet every morning regardless of my hatred and disdain I get up. I deal with things in very different manners than other people. While I should be crying and being hysterical. I simply sit, thinking and staring. I smoke a great deal and distract myself. I can mentally make any problem disappear if I figure out its catch. For instance, Sammy's catch is that: 1. She is gone and 2. Without her I wouldn't be here. Brandon's catch is very similar: 1. He is gone and happy, 2. I saw it coming and 3. God never gives me anything without a reason. This is for me to learn from, not to cry from. This is simply the way my mind wraps around things. Now I have been called heartless and horrid, mean and selfish because I have the ability to simply let it go. So if I am all those things good I'll add them to my list and be done with it. lol I love the way I am. I am a good woman with a good heart. I try my hardest at things that I want and relax about things I probably shouldn't. I have flaws and I am certainly far from perfect. One day I will do the thing that I have been sent here to do, and then I will be gone. I will walk my little path until then and continue learning that no matter how hard I try or wish..Nothing is perfect and life hurts....but what good is pleasure without pain, or joy without sorrow.
I know it's been a while, but stay with me.
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Physically I am beautiful.
Emotionally I am soft (the way a woman should be)
and Mentally I am strong
As I think about that I wonder how much of that is really true. Or how the dynamics of it really work. For instance how emotionally soft can I get before it starts to tear away at my mental strength? How physically beautiful can I be if I am mentally torn down and week? Is it all tied together into one? Thinking inside the box, you would think that none of them relate to one another, but think like this for a moment. What if I am emotionally a wreck? That I can't do anything but sit and stare and continuously into an abyss of the mistakes that caused me to crash? I am this way because I no longer can mentally handle what is happening. So I am no longer mentally strong. With both of those gone I become consumed with the regrets, lose, and torment of a horrid nightmare that I have settled my life to become. I stop looking in a mirror. My hair becomes a mess and the wrinkles and crows feet begin to appear as deep as sidewalk cracks. So by that time would I have lost everything. Damn that would suck.
Every time someone claims that I am strong I deny it. I always say that it is just simply a mask that I am so good at creating. After everything that I have put myself through in the last couple of months I know now that that is a lie. I am not emotionally sound all of the time. I am constantly getting into trouble at work for being to emotional. I get angry easy and am quick to shut down. I hate my job and the things that my days hold. Yet every morning regardless of my hatred and disdain I get up. I deal with things in very different manners than other people. While I should be crying and being hysterical. I simply sit, thinking and staring. I smoke a great deal and distract myself. I can mentally make any problem disappear if I figure out its catch. For instance, Sammy's catch is that: 1. She is gone and 2. Without her I wouldn't be here. Brandon's catch is very similar: 1. He is gone and happy, 2. I saw it coming and 3. God never gives me anything without a reason. This is for me to learn from, not to cry from. This is simply the way my mind wraps around things. Now I have been called heartless and horrid, mean and selfish because I have the ability to simply let it go. So if I am all those things good I'll add them to my list and be done with it. lol I love the way I am. I am a good woman with a good heart. I try my hardest at things that I want and relax about things I probably shouldn't. I have flaws and I am certainly far from perfect. One day I will do the thing that I have been sent here to do, and then I will be gone. I will walk my little path until then and continue learning that no matter how hard I try or wish..Nothing is perfect and life hurts....but what good is pleasure without pain, or joy without sorrow.
I know it's been a while, but stay with me.
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Music
My head is spinning, reeling, twisting, turning, and I know exactly why. I can't stop it, there's no escaping it. It flows through me and around me like music. Not just any music but like a beautiful mixture of Beethoven, Bach, and Chopin. Yet the music ascends and descends without notice. I seem to miss the signatures. It seems like I keep sight reading the music to quickly. Simply trying to get the notes out without actually caring about what the music is supposed to really sound like. I just keep playing though. I know I need to slow down and concentrate but I can't. Every time I do I feel like I'm going to run out of air and not have the strength to rebuild it in time for the next measure.
In any case, my I'm going to confuse you time is over now so I'll tell you about everything else. Last night was country night and I think I had the most fun. We had a water balloon fight and I pissed of this dude. There also was a new girl there. It was ridiculous. She told us all that she had a theory on life. She began her little story by saying that she is a strong independent woman and men are scared of that. That she takes pride in the fact that it intimidates males. Then her theory, the three F's: if you don't feed her, fu*k her, or finance her she doesn't need you. Now when I heard this I couldn't help but think damn this bitch is retarded. How the hell can you consider yourself a strong independent female but need those things from a man. I'm sorry honey but I can do all those things by myself. It's truly amazing what people will say just to hear words come out of their mouth to try to get that shock factor. I was shocked I'll admit. I mean who wouldn't be with someone that ignorant running at the mouth. Besides that though after the water balloon fight happened I was soaked and one of my friends crotch checked me with one and I was leaning up against the side of the truck not moving because I hurt pretty bad. I had a huge red mark on my thigh. We went and changed and stayed out until early morning.
I got the day off today though. I was so excited. I really hope that they don't decide to take it back. I would be so pissed I don't think I would be able to see straight. Not going to lie I would probably punch someone in the face. As I said I'm violent. LOL
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
In any case, my I'm going to confuse you time is over now so I'll tell you about everything else. Last night was country night and I think I had the most fun. We had a water balloon fight and I pissed of this dude. There also was a new girl there. It was ridiculous. She told us all that she had a theory on life. She began her little story by saying that she is a strong independent woman and men are scared of that. That she takes pride in the fact that it intimidates males. Then her theory, the three F's: if you don't feed her, fu*k her, or finance her she doesn't need you. Now when I heard this I couldn't help but think damn this bitch is retarded. How the hell can you consider yourself a strong independent female but need those things from a man. I'm sorry honey but I can do all those things by myself. It's truly amazing what people will say just to hear words come out of their mouth to try to get that shock factor. I was shocked I'll admit. I mean who wouldn't be with someone that ignorant running at the mouth. Besides that though after the water balloon fight happened I was soaked and one of my friends crotch checked me with one and I was leaning up against the side of the truck not moving because I hurt pretty bad. I had a huge red mark on my thigh. We went and changed and stayed out until early morning.
I got the day off today though. I was so excited. I really hope that they don't decide to take it back. I would be so pissed I don't think I would be able to see straight. Not going to lie I would probably punch someone in the face. As I said I'm violent. LOL
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Friday, May 28, 2010
Things I can't keep
You know I'll never understand why God gives you something to almost immediately take it away. Things you want to keep forever, you only get a month. Then I have to wonder how long I would really want to keep it? If I never get to keep anything over a couple of months, do I even have the ability? Who knows I'm sure you guys are really lost by now but some days you need to get a little lost to figure out what way to go next.
Anyway, I have an addiction. It's horrible. Ok maybe I have more than one but I'm talking about the newest one. We all know that I am addicted to tobacco, tattoos, and Southern Comfort. This time though it's weird. It's Arizona Sweet Tea. It comes in this big 23 oz can and costs 99 cents. I think I have one everyday and its defiantly not getting old. I'm sure it will eventually but for right now let the addiction continue.
I talked to my best friend, god-daughter and parents yesterday. Hearing their voices helped me out. I'm not in such a grumpy mood anymore. I miss them so much I almost can't handle it. I'm not very good at this whole missing people business. Before AIT I had never truly missed anyone before, but once I learned how it's nearly impossible for me to shut it off. I mean I can block it out like I do most emotions like that and I can hide it to a certain extent but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Missing someone hurts. It makes this hollow sucking feeling in my chest that goes with me everywhere. I feel like its a bomb that's got a faulty switch and doesn't know when to go off. It just seems like I'm missing a piece of my heart which I'm guessing is the reason why they call it "missing" someone. I know I'm a nerd to think about that but someone has to right?
Some days here are harder than others. When I'm not so preoccupied with work or trying to do social activities, things begin to weigh down on you mind. Then the next thing I know I find myself thinking about it for days. So in other words, damn I need to keep myself busy.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Anyway, I have an addiction. It's horrible. Ok maybe I have more than one but I'm talking about the newest one. We all know that I am addicted to tobacco, tattoos, and Southern Comfort. This time though it's weird. It's Arizona Sweet Tea. It comes in this big 23 oz can and costs 99 cents. I think I have one everyday and its defiantly not getting old. I'm sure it will eventually but for right now let the addiction continue.
I talked to my best friend, god-daughter and parents yesterday. Hearing their voices helped me out. I'm not in such a grumpy mood anymore. I miss them so much I almost can't handle it. I'm not very good at this whole missing people business. Before AIT I had never truly missed anyone before, but once I learned how it's nearly impossible for me to shut it off. I mean I can block it out like I do most emotions like that and I can hide it to a certain extent but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Missing someone hurts. It makes this hollow sucking feeling in my chest that goes with me everywhere. I feel like its a bomb that's got a faulty switch and doesn't know when to go off. It just seems like I'm missing a piece of my heart which I'm guessing is the reason why they call it "missing" someone. I know I'm a nerd to think about that but someone has to right?
Some days here are harder than others. When I'm not so preoccupied with work or trying to do social activities, things begin to weigh down on you mind. Then the next thing I know I find myself thinking about it for days. So in other words, damn I need to keep myself busy.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Monday, May 24, 2010
God-Daughter's Song
Decided that I wouldn't wait so long between blogs this time. There are so many things that I wish that I could write in this blog that I just can't. Sigh for things unsharable lol.
There is still stuff that I can say though. For instance the guy sitting right behind me right now, who I get along with, is about to kill me. I'm sitting here listening to him sing to the music play (which isn't that bad because at least he can actually sing) but in between words that he knows and notes he can't hit is this sucking noise. He is eating ranch sunflower seeds and the noise is all spit filled and gross sounding. I really want to reach around and pop him in the mouth. Even though I know that I would probably get in serious trouble, every time I hear that slurp all I can imagine is my fist his face. Damn, I really am violent. I became aware of that when my momma looked at me and said "Clare you have always been violent but I think the Army has made it worse." Touche, Momma, Touche.
I think my violent tendencies is also why I smoke so much, and drink when I get the chance. I'm a happy drunk and smoking calms me down.
Anyway in other news. The headaches are getting fewer and far between. Which makes me extremely happy. I have one right now but it isn't nearly as bad as some of the other ones. I also got my boxing stuff so I have a good stress reliever. (Pineapple) The medication that they gave me probably has something to do with it to. One of them I have discovered makes me very calm. I dig it it because it keeps me from getting angry with my sergeants and losing it.
Today is a rough day though. I woke up and missed my God-Daughter and her mother like crazy. I don't know why, I guess I had just been avoiding thinking about it and it hit me this morning like a Peterbilt (its a semi truck for those of you going "WTF?") I started singing my God-Daughter's song in my head and I just couldn't get rid of it.
Sometimes I laugh so hard that I can't breath
Sometimes I hold my breath to grit my teeth
Now the memories keep running through my brain
I just wanna hear that little voice say
She's finally home
There's more to it but it's kinda long and almost lunch time lol.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
There is still stuff that I can say though. For instance the guy sitting right behind me right now, who I get along with, is about to kill me. I'm sitting here listening to him sing to the music play (which isn't that bad because at least he can actually sing) but in between words that he knows and notes he can't hit is this sucking noise. He is eating ranch sunflower seeds and the noise is all spit filled and gross sounding. I really want to reach around and pop him in the mouth. Even though I know that I would probably get in serious trouble, every time I hear that slurp all I can imagine is my fist his face. Damn, I really am violent. I became aware of that when my momma looked at me and said "Clare you have always been violent but I think the Army has made it worse." Touche, Momma, Touche.
I think my violent tendencies is also why I smoke so much, and drink when I get the chance. I'm a happy drunk and smoking calms me down.
Anyway in other news. The headaches are getting fewer and far between. Which makes me extremely happy. I have one right now but it isn't nearly as bad as some of the other ones. I also got my boxing stuff so I have a good stress reliever. (Pineapple) The medication that they gave me probably has something to do with it to. One of them I have discovered makes me very calm. I dig it it because it keeps me from getting angry with my sergeants and losing it.
Today is a rough day though. I woke up and missed my God-Daughter and her mother like crazy. I don't know why, I guess I had just been avoiding thinking about it and it hit me this morning like a Peterbilt (its a semi truck for those of you going "WTF?") I started singing my God-Daughter's song in my head and I just couldn't get rid of it.
Sometimes I laugh so hard that I can't breath
Sometimes I hold my breath to grit my teeth
Now the memories keep running through my brain
I just wanna hear that little voice say
She's finally home
There's more to it but it's kinda long and almost lunch time lol.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It's Been a While
Ok Ok so I am totally slacking on my blogging but this week has been interesting, confusing, and frustrating. For instance, it's only a month into the deployment and I have already stopped caring. I'm like a kid. If you beat me to often then it will get to the point were I'm like, "It doesn't matter I can't do anything right anyway." I've never wanted to be a shitbag more in my entire life then now but honestly I'm having fun. I'm at the point where making them angry adds plus signs to my day and getting away with shit is like the cherry on top of a perfect sundae.
Speaking of Sunday...lol that's what day it is. It's about 10:30 in the morning and I'm at work. Our days off were supposed to start and they haven't. Now they told me I have to come in early on Sunday's. O well right I guess thats my job. See, Wednesday's are supposed to be my days off but that didn't work out. So hopefully I get it this week. If not I'll probably throw a fit and bring up policies and junk that states that they have no option but to give me a day. God love the military and the fact they put everything in writing.
Anyway besides work my life is still getting more interesting. Country night seems to becoming more of a family thing than anything else. We sit around and play alot of spades. Which I'm ok with as long as I have a partner that can actually play.
I made a new friend...yet again for blog and internet purposes we will call her Pineapple. She is awesome, and like Maria, is on leave. I actually like having a female friend every once in a while. Pineapple and I get along really well and we both are very guy like. Sounds stupid but it's legit. I have come to find out that there are just some things you can't really talk to a guy about. I've never really had that problem til now. I guess though thats because I've always had that one guy friend that I could tell everything too.
I also got a new cell phone. lol I know this isn't that big of a deal but since I lost the other one on the bus, it's kinda something. One of my other friends said that he was sick of me not having a phone and gave me one. I have to pay for the KW (minutes) and everything but it works. I'm sure that Evan and Maria are freaking out because I haven't talked to them since she left but I kinda lost their numbers so there isn't much I can do.
Well I think that's about all I got for right now. Kuwait seems to get more interesting by the minute.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Speaking of Sunday...lol that's what day it is. It's about 10:30 in the morning and I'm at work. Our days off were supposed to start and they haven't. Now they told me I have to come in early on Sunday's. O well right I guess thats my job. See, Wednesday's are supposed to be my days off but that didn't work out. So hopefully I get it this week. If not I'll probably throw a fit and bring up policies and junk that states that they have no option but to give me a day. God love the military and the fact they put everything in writing.
Anyway besides work my life is still getting more interesting. Country night seems to becoming more of a family thing than anything else. We sit around and play alot of spades. Which I'm ok with as long as I have a partner that can actually play.
I made a new friend...yet again for blog and internet purposes we will call her Pineapple. She is awesome, and like Maria, is on leave. I actually like having a female friend every once in a while. Pineapple and I get along really well and we both are very guy like. Sounds stupid but it's legit. I have come to find out that there are just some things you can't really talk to a guy about. I've never really had that problem til now. I guess though thats because I've always had that one guy friend that I could tell everything too.
I also got a new cell phone. lol I know this isn't that big of a deal but since I lost the other one on the bus, it's kinda something. One of my other friends said that he was sick of me not having a phone and gave me one. I have to pay for the KW (minutes) and everything but it works. I'm sure that Evan and Maria are freaking out because I haven't talked to them since she left but I kinda lost their numbers so there isn't much I can do.
Well I think that's about all I got for right now. Kuwait seems to get more interesting by the minute.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Country Night Sand Storm
Kuwait + Desert + Sand + Wind = Sand Storm
Not going to lie they are a little rough, and I've only been through little ones. For those back home that don't really know about it let me give you an explination with something you can relate to.
Back in the 1930's down through the center of the US was the dust bowl. It was caused by a horrible drought, high winds, and overly tilled farm land. I remember as a young girl sitting with my great-grandmother, and she would tell us about how in that time "When you drank coffee you had to put the saucer on top to keep the dirt out, but you would still feel grit in your teeth by the time the coffee was gone." I've experianced this a few times growing up in the Oklahoma Panhandle with all the wind but never to that or this extent.
Country night was last night and as usual I attended. I love being there with all the people I know and meeting ones I don't. The music is good and so are the spades games. This week I had to bring my laptop though, because of the fight I got into with a buddy about the song "Life is a Highway." All consisting of whether the song we were listening to was by Rascal Flatts or someone else. Now when it comes to me and my music, if I know enough to start an argument with you about it, it's because I know I'm right. I won't argue very strongly about something that I might know about. On the other hand if I know your wrong I will fight you tooth and nail.
So after proving him wrong and mingling a little bit the wind started to pick up. While the wind reached higher and higher it began lifting more and more sand. It became hard to breath around the time we packed everything up to go home. When I got back to the bay all I could do was thank god for babywipes. Sand seemed to be everywhere. It feels like your skin has been covered in a light material that you can't get off by pushing at it. It has to be wiped and wiped, eventually after nearly 5 baby wipe they stopped finding sand.
When I woke up this morning and walked out the door, everything looked tan. The colors of the world had been dimmed and tainted. It seems as if a vail has been dropped and had begun to surround and devour anything in its path. Black trucks start to blend in with the sand and the people walking around slightly like Darth Vader, completely covered. You eye protection, which you have to wear whenever outside, becomes extremly important. You begin to pray that it will be enough to keep everything in the air out of your eyes. They don't but praying never hurt a situation. Taking a shower also seemed like a useless thing to do by this point, but has to be done regardless. It didn't really matter because I was yet again covered in sand by the time I returned to the bay.
When I left for work it was starting to sprinkel. It still wasn't helping much but if it could just rain for 10 solid minutes, I mean a good heavy rain, it would help out alot.
I hope it clears up before my friends birthday party. I would hate for it to ruin her birthday party. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Not going to lie they are a little rough, and I've only been through little ones. For those back home that don't really know about it let me give you an explination with something you can relate to.
Back in the 1930's down through the center of the US was the dust bowl. It was caused by a horrible drought, high winds, and overly tilled farm land. I remember as a young girl sitting with my great-grandmother, and she would tell us about how in that time "When you drank coffee you had to put the saucer on top to keep the dirt out, but you would still feel grit in your teeth by the time the coffee was gone." I've experianced this a few times growing up in the Oklahoma Panhandle with all the wind but never to that or this extent.
Country night was last night and as usual I attended. I love being there with all the people I know and meeting ones I don't. The music is good and so are the spades games. This week I had to bring my laptop though, because of the fight I got into with a buddy about the song "Life is a Highway." All consisting of whether the song we were listening to was by Rascal Flatts or someone else. Now when it comes to me and my music, if I know enough to start an argument with you about it, it's because I know I'm right. I won't argue very strongly about something that I might know about. On the other hand if I know your wrong I will fight you tooth and nail.
So after proving him wrong and mingling a little bit the wind started to pick up. While the wind reached higher and higher it began lifting more and more sand. It became hard to breath around the time we packed everything up to go home. When I got back to the bay all I could do was thank god for babywipes. Sand seemed to be everywhere. It feels like your skin has been covered in a light material that you can't get off by pushing at it. It has to be wiped and wiped, eventually after nearly 5 baby wipe they stopped finding sand.
When I woke up this morning and walked out the door, everything looked tan. The colors of the world had been dimmed and tainted. It seems as if a vail has been dropped and had begun to surround and devour anything in its path. Black trucks start to blend in with the sand and the people walking around slightly like Darth Vader, completely covered. You eye protection, which you have to wear whenever outside, becomes extremly important. You begin to pray that it will be enough to keep everything in the air out of your eyes. They don't but praying never hurt a situation. Taking a shower also seemed like a useless thing to do by this point, but has to be done regardless. It didn't really matter because I was yet again covered in sand by the time I returned to the bay.
When I left for work it was starting to sprinkel. It still wasn't helping much but if it could just rain for 10 solid minutes, I mean a good heavy rain, it would help out alot.
I hope it clears up before my friends birthday party. I would hate for it to ruin her birthday party. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
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