Strong

I was recently told by a very good friend that,

Physically I am beautiful.
Emotionally I am soft (the way a woman should be)
and Mentally I am strong

As I think about that I wonder how much of that is really true. Or how the dynamics of it really work. For instance how emotionally soft can I get before it starts to tear away at my mental strength? How physically beautiful can I be if I am mentally torn down and week? Is it all tied together into one? Thinking inside the box, you would think that none of them relate to one another, but think like this for a moment. What if I am emotionally a wreck? That I can't do anything but sit and stare and continuously into an abyss of the mistakes that caused me to crash? I am this way because I no longer can mentally handle what is happening. So I am no longer mentally strong. With both of those gone I become consumed with the regrets, lose, and torment of a horrid nightmare that I have settled my life to become. I stop looking in a mirror. My hair becomes a mess and the wrinkles and crows feet begin to appear as deep as sidewalk cracks. So by that time would I have lost everything. Damn that would suck.

Every time someone claims that I am strong I deny it. I always say that it is just simply a mask that I am so good at creating. After everything that I have put myself through in the last couple of months I know now that that is a lie. I am not emotionally sound all of the time. I am constantly getting into trouble at work for being to emotional. I get angry easy and am quick to shut down. I hate my job and the things that my days hold. Yet every morning regardless of my hatred and disdain I get up. I deal with things in very different manners than other people. While I should be crying and being hysterical. I simply sit, thinking and staring. I smoke a great deal and distract myself. I can mentally make any problem disappear if I figure out its catch. For instance, Sammy's catch is that: 1. She is gone and 2. Without her I wouldn't be here. Brandon's catch is very similar: 1. He is gone and happy, 2. I saw it coming and 3. God never gives me anything without a reason. This is for me to learn from, not to cry from. This is simply the way my mind wraps around things. Now I have been called heartless and horrid, mean and selfish because I have the ability to simply let it go. So if I am all those things good I'll add them to my list and be done with it. lol I love the way I am. I am a good woman with a good heart. I try my hardest at things that I want and relax about things I probably shouldn't. I have flaws and I am certainly far from perfect. One day I will do the thing that I have been sent here to do, and then I will be gone. I will walk my little path until then and continue learning that no matter how hard I try or wish..Nothing is perfect and life hurts....but what good is pleasure without pain, or joy without sorrow.

I know it's been a while, but stay with me.

Love,
Clare Kathryn