Fighting all the things that run strait through my head. I stare up at the ceiling thinking "how did I get here." I begin to break it down. Slowly but surly I have hit the bottom. It all started with Sammy, but what will it end with. Long lost thoughts and feelings that I avoid and push away so often hit me randomly with no rhyme or reason. I create circles that create spindles of memories that get so wrapped around everything else they become intertwined. "Round like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel. Like a snowball down a mountain or a carnival balloon." I remember vividly sitting on the floor watching my mom play that ever so familiar tune. Listening to the songs, when she played, I learned that if you close your eyes and let everything go, how the music seemed to hit your soul. The very inside of every feeling that you can hold and discover. Feelings that just need mending. Ones that you never knew were there. Sometimes I wish I was still that little girl sitting on the floor in front of her. Breathing in the smell of her avocado soap and studying the graceful movements of her fingers. When the air around me is so familiar. No sand, no dust, no feeling like I'm breathing underwater due to humidity. Not trying to block out the horrible smell of gear that has mildewed or the smell of the tent that is filled with to many sweating people. Choking on the spray that they try to use to cover it up.
Anyway other than the depressing beginning, which seems to always happen with my blogs. Work is getting better. The headaches are still horrible, but I'm so used to it now that it has become a normal way of life.
Sorry I didn't have anything more interesting.
Stay with me,
Love from a Soldier
Clare Kathryn
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Strong
I was recently told by a very good friend that,
Physically I am beautiful.
Emotionally I am soft (the way a woman should be)
and Mentally I am strong
As I think about that I wonder how much of that is really true. Or how the dynamics of it really work. For instance how emotionally soft can I get before it starts to tear away at my mental strength? How physically beautiful can I be if I am mentally torn down and week? Is it all tied together into one? Thinking inside the box, you would think that none of them relate to one another, but think like this for a moment. What if I am emotionally a wreck? That I can't do anything but sit and stare and continuously into an abyss of the mistakes that caused me to crash? I am this way because I no longer can mentally handle what is happening. So I am no longer mentally strong. With both of those gone I become consumed with the regrets, lose, and torment of a horrid nightmare that I have settled my life to become. I stop looking in a mirror. My hair becomes a mess and the wrinkles and crows feet begin to appear as deep as sidewalk cracks. So by that time would I have lost everything. Damn that would suck.
Every time someone claims that I am strong I deny it. I always say that it is just simply a mask that I am so good at creating. After everything that I have put myself through in the last couple of months I know now that that is a lie. I am not emotionally sound all of the time. I am constantly getting into trouble at work for being to emotional. I get angry easy and am quick to shut down. I hate my job and the things that my days hold. Yet every morning regardless of my hatred and disdain I get up. I deal with things in very different manners than other people. While I should be crying and being hysterical. I simply sit, thinking and staring. I smoke a great deal and distract myself. I can mentally make any problem disappear if I figure out its catch. For instance, Sammy's catch is that: 1. She is gone and 2. Without her I wouldn't be here. Brandon's catch is very similar: 1. He is gone and happy, 2. I saw it coming and 3. God never gives me anything without a reason. This is for me to learn from, not to cry from. This is simply the way my mind wraps around things. Now I have been called heartless and horrid, mean and selfish because I have the ability to simply let it go. So if I am all those things good I'll add them to my list and be done with it. lol I love the way I am. I am a good woman with a good heart. I try my hardest at things that I want and relax about things I probably shouldn't. I have flaws and I am certainly far from perfect. One day I will do the thing that I have been sent here to do, and then I will be gone. I will walk my little path until then and continue learning that no matter how hard I try or wish..Nothing is perfect and life hurts....but what good is pleasure without pain, or joy without sorrow.
I know it's been a while, but stay with me.
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Physically I am beautiful.
Emotionally I am soft (the way a woman should be)
and Mentally I am strong
As I think about that I wonder how much of that is really true. Or how the dynamics of it really work. For instance how emotionally soft can I get before it starts to tear away at my mental strength? How physically beautiful can I be if I am mentally torn down and week? Is it all tied together into one? Thinking inside the box, you would think that none of them relate to one another, but think like this for a moment. What if I am emotionally a wreck? That I can't do anything but sit and stare and continuously into an abyss of the mistakes that caused me to crash? I am this way because I no longer can mentally handle what is happening. So I am no longer mentally strong. With both of those gone I become consumed with the regrets, lose, and torment of a horrid nightmare that I have settled my life to become. I stop looking in a mirror. My hair becomes a mess and the wrinkles and crows feet begin to appear as deep as sidewalk cracks. So by that time would I have lost everything. Damn that would suck.
Every time someone claims that I am strong I deny it. I always say that it is just simply a mask that I am so good at creating. After everything that I have put myself through in the last couple of months I know now that that is a lie. I am not emotionally sound all of the time. I am constantly getting into trouble at work for being to emotional. I get angry easy and am quick to shut down. I hate my job and the things that my days hold. Yet every morning regardless of my hatred and disdain I get up. I deal with things in very different manners than other people. While I should be crying and being hysterical. I simply sit, thinking and staring. I smoke a great deal and distract myself. I can mentally make any problem disappear if I figure out its catch. For instance, Sammy's catch is that: 1. She is gone and 2. Without her I wouldn't be here. Brandon's catch is very similar: 1. He is gone and happy, 2. I saw it coming and 3. God never gives me anything without a reason. This is for me to learn from, not to cry from. This is simply the way my mind wraps around things. Now I have been called heartless and horrid, mean and selfish because I have the ability to simply let it go. So if I am all those things good I'll add them to my list and be done with it. lol I love the way I am. I am a good woman with a good heart. I try my hardest at things that I want and relax about things I probably shouldn't. I have flaws and I am certainly far from perfect. One day I will do the thing that I have been sent here to do, and then I will be gone. I will walk my little path until then and continue learning that no matter how hard I try or wish..Nothing is perfect and life hurts....but what good is pleasure without pain, or joy without sorrow.
I know it's been a while, but stay with me.
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Music
My head is spinning, reeling, twisting, turning, and I know exactly why. I can't stop it, there's no escaping it. It flows through me and around me like music. Not just any music but like a beautiful mixture of Beethoven, Bach, and Chopin. Yet the music ascends and descends without notice. I seem to miss the signatures. It seems like I keep sight reading the music to quickly. Simply trying to get the notes out without actually caring about what the music is supposed to really sound like. I just keep playing though. I know I need to slow down and concentrate but I can't. Every time I do I feel like I'm going to run out of air and not have the strength to rebuild it in time for the next measure.
In any case, my I'm going to confuse you time is over now so I'll tell you about everything else. Last night was country night and I think I had the most fun. We had a water balloon fight and I pissed of this dude. There also was a new girl there. It was ridiculous. She told us all that she had a theory on life. She began her little story by saying that she is a strong independent woman and men are scared of that. That she takes pride in the fact that it intimidates males. Then her theory, the three F's: if you don't feed her, fu*k her, or finance her she doesn't need you. Now when I heard this I couldn't help but think damn this bitch is retarded. How the hell can you consider yourself a strong independent female but need those things from a man. I'm sorry honey but I can do all those things by myself. It's truly amazing what people will say just to hear words come out of their mouth to try to get that shock factor. I was shocked I'll admit. I mean who wouldn't be with someone that ignorant running at the mouth. Besides that though after the water balloon fight happened I was soaked and one of my friends crotch checked me with one and I was leaning up against the side of the truck not moving because I hurt pretty bad. I had a huge red mark on my thigh. We went and changed and stayed out until early morning.
I got the day off today though. I was so excited. I really hope that they don't decide to take it back. I would be so pissed I don't think I would be able to see straight. Not going to lie I would probably punch someone in the face. As I said I'm violent. LOL
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
In any case, my I'm going to confuse you time is over now so I'll tell you about everything else. Last night was country night and I think I had the most fun. We had a water balloon fight and I pissed of this dude. There also was a new girl there. It was ridiculous. She told us all that she had a theory on life. She began her little story by saying that she is a strong independent woman and men are scared of that. That she takes pride in the fact that it intimidates males. Then her theory, the three F's: if you don't feed her, fu*k her, or finance her she doesn't need you. Now when I heard this I couldn't help but think damn this bitch is retarded. How the hell can you consider yourself a strong independent female but need those things from a man. I'm sorry honey but I can do all those things by myself. It's truly amazing what people will say just to hear words come out of their mouth to try to get that shock factor. I was shocked I'll admit. I mean who wouldn't be with someone that ignorant running at the mouth. Besides that though after the water balloon fight happened I was soaked and one of my friends crotch checked me with one and I was leaning up against the side of the truck not moving because I hurt pretty bad. I had a huge red mark on my thigh. We went and changed and stayed out until early morning.
I got the day off today though. I was so excited. I really hope that they don't decide to take it back. I would be so pissed I don't think I would be able to see straight. Not going to lie I would probably punch someone in the face. As I said I'm violent. LOL
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Friday, May 28, 2010
Things I can't keep
You know I'll never understand why God gives you something to almost immediately take it away. Things you want to keep forever, you only get a month. Then I have to wonder how long I would really want to keep it? If I never get to keep anything over a couple of months, do I even have the ability? Who knows I'm sure you guys are really lost by now but some days you need to get a little lost to figure out what way to go next.
Anyway, I have an addiction. It's horrible. Ok maybe I have more than one but I'm talking about the newest one. We all know that I am addicted to tobacco, tattoos, and Southern Comfort. This time though it's weird. It's Arizona Sweet Tea. It comes in this big 23 oz can and costs 99 cents. I think I have one everyday and its defiantly not getting old. I'm sure it will eventually but for right now let the addiction continue.
I talked to my best friend, god-daughter and parents yesterday. Hearing their voices helped me out. I'm not in such a grumpy mood anymore. I miss them so much I almost can't handle it. I'm not very good at this whole missing people business. Before AIT I had never truly missed anyone before, but once I learned how it's nearly impossible for me to shut it off. I mean I can block it out like I do most emotions like that and I can hide it to a certain extent but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Missing someone hurts. It makes this hollow sucking feeling in my chest that goes with me everywhere. I feel like its a bomb that's got a faulty switch and doesn't know when to go off. It just seems like I'm missing a piece of my heart which I'm guessing is the reason why they call it "missing" someone. I know I'm a nerd to think about that but someone has to right?
Some days here are harder than others. When I'm not so preoccupied with work or trying to do social activities, things begin to weigh down on you mind. Then the next thing I know I find myself thinking about it for days. So in other words, damn I need to keep myself busy.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Anyway, I have an addiction. It's horrible. Ok maybe I have more than one but I'm talking about the newest one. We all know that I am addicted to tobacco, tattoos, and Southern Comfort. This time though it's weird. It's Arizona Sweet Tea. It comes in this big 23 oz can and costs 99 cents. I think I have one everyday and its defiantly not getting old. I'm sure it will eventually but for right now let the addiction continue.
I talked to my best friend, god-daughter and parents yesterday. Hearing their voices helped me out. I'm not in such a grumpy mood anymore. I miss them so much I almost can't handle it. I'm not very good at this whole missing people business. Before AIT I had never truly missed anyone before, but once I learned how it's nearly impossible for me to shut it off. I mean I can block it out like I do most emotions like that and I can hide it to a certain extent but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Missing someone hurts. It makes this hollow sucking feeling in my chest that goes with me everywhere. I feel like its a bomb that's got a faulty switch and doesn't know when to go off. It just seems like I'm missing a piece of my heart which I'm guessing is the reason why they call it "missing" someone. I know I'm a nerd to think about that but someone has to right?
Some days here are harder than others. When I'm not so preoccupied with work or trying to do social activities, things begin to weigh down on you mind. Then the next thing I know I find myself thinking about it for days. So in other words, damn I need to keep myself busy.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Monday, May 24, 2010
God-Daughter's Song
Decided that I wouldn't wait so long between blogs this time. There are so many things that I wish that I could write in this blog that I just can't. Sigh for things unsharable lol.
There is still stuff that I can say though. For instance the guy sitting right behind me right now, who I get along with, is about to kill me. I'm sitting here listening to him sing to the music play (which isn't that bad because at least he can actually sing) but in between words that he knows and notes he can't hit is this sucking noise. He is eating ranch sunflower seeds and the noise is all spit filled and gross sounding. I really want to reach around and pop him in the mouth. Even though I know that I would probably get in serious trouble, every time I hear that slurp all I can imagine is my fist his face. Damn, I really am violent. I became aware of that when my momma looked at me and said "Clare you have always been violent but I think the Army has made it worse." Touche, Momma, Touche.
I think my violent tendencies is also why I smoke so much, and drink when I get the chance. I'm a happy drunk and smoking calms me down.
Anyway in other news. The headaches are getting fewer and far between. Which makes me extremely happy. I have one right now but it isn't nearly as bad as some of the other ones. I also got my boxing stuff so I have a good stress reliever. (Pineapple) The medication that they gave me probably has something to do with it to. One of them I have discovered makes me very calm. I dig it it because it keeps me from getting angry with my sergeants and losing it.
Today is a rough day though. I woke up and missed my God-Daughter and her mother like crazy. I don't know why, I guess I had just been avoiding thinking about it and it hit me this morning like a Peterbilt (its a semi truck for those of you going "WTF?") I started singing my God-Daughter's song in my head and I just couldn't get rid of it.
Sometimes I laugh so hard that I can't breath
Sometimes I hold my breath to grit my teeth
Now the memories keep running through my brain
I just wanna hear that little voice say
She's finally home
There's more to it but it's kinda long and almost lunch time lol.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
There is still stuff that I can say though. For instance the guy sitting right behind me right now, who I get along with, is about to kill me. I'm sitting here listening to him sing to the music play (which isn't that bad because at least he can actually sing) but in between words that he knows and notes he can't hit is this sucking noise. He is eating ranch sunflower seeds and the noise is all spit filled and gross sounding. I really want to reach around and pop him in the mouth. Even though I know that I would probably get in serious trouble, every time I hear that slurp all I can imagine is my fist his face. Damn, I really am violent. I became aware of that when my momma looked at me and said "Clare you have always been violent but I think the Army has made it worse." Touche, Momma, Touche.
I think my violent tendencies is also why I smoke so much, and drink when I get the chance. I'm a happy drunk and smoking calms me down.
Anyway in other news. The headaches are getting fewer and far between. Which makes me extremely happy. I have one right now but it isn't nearly as bad as some of the other ones. I also got my boxing stuff so I have a good stress reliever. (Pineapple) The medication that they gave me probably has something to do with it to. One of them I have discovered makes me very calm. I dig it it because it keeps me from getting angry with my sergeants and losing it.
Today is a rough day though. I woke up and missed my God-Daughter and her mother like crazy. I don't know why, I guess I had just been avoiding thinking about it and it hit me this morning like a Peterbilt (its a semi truck for those of you going "WTF?") I started singing my God-Daughter's song in my head and I just couldn't get rid of it.
Sometimes I laugh so hard that I can't breath
Sometimes I hold my breath to grit my teeth
Now the memories keep running through my brain
I just wanna hear that little voice say
She's finally home
There's more to it but it's kinda long and almost lunch time lol.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It's Been a While
Ok Ok so I am totally slacking on my blogging but this week has been interesting, confusing, and frustrating. For instance, it's only a month into the deployment and I have already stopped caring. I'm like a kid. If you beat me to often then it will get to the point were I'm like, "It doesn't matter I can't do anything right anyway." I've never wanted to be a shitbag more in my entire life then now but honestly I'm having fun. I'm at the point where making them angry adds plus signs to my day and getting away with shit is like the cherry on top of a perfect sundae.
Speaking of Sunday...lol that's what day it is. It's about 10:30 in the morning and I'm at work. Our days off were supposed to start and they haven't. Now they told me I have to come in early on Sunday's. O well right I guess thats my job. See, Wednesday's are supposed to be my days off but that didn't work out. So hopefully I get it this week. If not I'll probably throw a fit and bring up policies and junk that states that they have no option but to give me a day. God love the military and the fact they put everything in writing.
Anyway besides work my life is still getting more interesting. Country night seems to becoming more of a family thing than anything else. We sit around and play alot of spades. Which I'm ok with as long as I have a partner that can actually play.
I made a new friend...yet again for blog and internet purposes we will call her Pineapple. She is awesome, and like Maria, is on leave. I actually like having a female friend every once in a while. Pineapple and I get along really well and we both are very guy like. Sounds stupid but it's legit. I have come to find out that there are just some things you can't really talk to a guy about. I've never really had that problem til now. I guess though thats because I've always had that one guy friend that I could tell everything too.
I also got a new cell phone. lol I know this isn't that big of a deal but since I lost the other one on the bus, it's kinda something. One of my other friends said that he was sick of me not having a phone and gave me one. I have to pay for the KW (minutes) and everything but it works. I'm sure that Evan and Maria are freaking out because I haven't talked to them since she left but I kinda lost their numbers so there isn't much I can do.
Well I think that's about all I got for right now. Kuwait seems to get more interesting by the minute.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Speaking of Sunday...lol that's what day it is. It's about 10:30 in the morning and I'm at work. Our days off were supposed to start and they haven't. Now they told me I have to come in early on Sunday's. O well right I guess thats my job. See, Wednesday's are supposed to be my days off but that didn't work out. So hopefully I get it this week. If not I'll probably throw a fit and bring up policies and junk that states that they have no option but to give me a day. God love the military and the fact they put everything in writing.
Anyway besides work my life is still getting more interesting. Country night seems to becoming more of a family thing than anything else. We sit around and play alot of spades. Which I'm ok with as long as I have a partner that can actually play.
I made a new friend...yet again for blog and internet purposes we will call her Pineapple. She is awesome, and like Maria, is on leave. I actually like having a female friend every once in a while. Pineapple and I get along really well and we both are very guy like. Sounds stupid but it's legit. I have come to find out that there are just some things you can't really talk to a guy about. I've never really had that problem til now. I guess though thats because I've always had that one guy friend that I could tell everything too.
I also got a new cell phone. lol I know this isn't that big of a deal but since I lost the other one on the bus, it's kinda something. One of my other friends said that he was sick of me not having a phone and gave me one. I have to pay for the KW (minutes) and everything but it works. I'm sure that Evan and Maria are freaking out because I haven't talked to them since she left but I kinda lost their numbers so there isn't much I can do.
Well I think that's about all I got for right now. Kuwait seems to get more interesting by the minute.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Country Night Sand Storm
Kuwait + Desert + Sand + Wind = Sand Storm
Not going to lie they are a little rough, and I've only been through little ones. For those back home that don't really know about it let me give you an explination with something you can relate to.
Back in the 1930's down through the center of the US was the dust bowl. It was caused by a horrible drought, high winds, and overly tilled farm land. I remember as a young girl sitting with my great-grandmother, and she would tell us about how in that time "When you drank coffee you had to put the saucer on top to keep the dirt out, but you would still feel grit in your teeth by the time the coffee was gone." I've experianced this a few times growing up in the Oklahoma Panhandle with all the wind but never to that or this extent.
Country night was last night and as usual I attended. I love being there with all the people I know and meeting ones I don't. The music is good and so are the spades games. This week I had to bring my laptop though, because of the fight I got into with a buddy about the song "Life is a Highway." All consisting of whether the song we were listening to was by Rascal Flatts or someone else. Now when it comes to me and my music, if I know enough to start an argument with you about it, it's because I know I'm right. I won't argue very strongly about something that I might know about. On the other hand if I know your wrong I will fight you tooth and nail.
So after proving him wrong and mingling a little bit the wind started to pick up. While the wind reached higher and higher it began lifting more and more sand. It became hard to breath around the time we packed everything up to go home. When I got back to the bay all I could do was thank god for babywipes. Sand seemed to be everywhere. It feels like your skin has been covered in a light material that you can't get off by pushing at it. It has to be wiped and wiped, eventually after nearly 5 baby wipe they stopped finding sand.
When I woke up this morning and walked out the door, everything looked tan. The colors of the world had been dimmed and tainted. It seems as if a vail has been dropped and had begun to surround and devour anything in its path. Black trucks start to blend in with the sand and the people walking around slightly like Darth Vader, completely covered. You eye protection, which you have to wear whenever outside, becomes extremly important. You begin to pray that it will be enough to keep everything in the air out of your eyes. They don't but praying never hurt a situation. Taking a shower also seemed like a useless thing to do by this point, but has to be done regardless. It didn't really matter because I was yet again covered in sand by the time I returned to the bay.
When I left for work it was starting to sprinkel. It still wasn't helping much but if it could just rain for 10 solid minutes, I mean a good heavy rain, it would help out alot.
I hope it clears up before my friends birthday party. I would hate for it to ruin her birthday party. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Not going to lie they are a little rough, and I've only been through little ones. For those back home that don't really know about it let me give you an explination with something you can relate to.
Back in the 1930's down through the center of the US was the dust bowl. It was caused by a horrible drought, high winds, and overly tilled farm land. I remember as a young girl sitting with my great-grandmother, and she would tell us about how in that time "When you drank coffee you had to put the saucer on top to keep the dirt out, but you would still feel grit in your teeth by the time the coffee was gone." I've experianced this a few times growing up in the Oklahoma Panhandle with all the wind but never to that or this extent.
Country night was last night and as usual I attended. I love being there with all the people I know and meeting ones I don't. The music is good and so are the spades games. This week I had to bring my laptop though, because of the fight I got into with a buddy about the song "Life is a Highway." All consisting of whether the song we were listening to was by Rascal Flatts or someone else. Now when it comes to me and my music, if I know enough to start an argument with you about it, it's because I know I'm right. I won't argue very strongly about something that I might know about. On the other hand if I know your wrong I will fight you tooth and nail.
So after proving him wrong and mingling a little bit the wind started to pick up. While the wind reached higher and higher it began lifting more and more sand. It became hard to breath around the time we packed everything up to go home. When I got back to the bay all I could do was thank god for babywipes. Sand seemed to be everywhere. It feels like your skin has been covered in a light material that you can't get off by pushing at it. It has to be wiped and wiped, eventually after nearly 5 baby wipe they stopped finding sand.
When I woke up this morning and walked out the door, everything looked tan. The colors of the world had been dimmed and tainted. It seems as if a vail has been dropped and had begun to surround and devour anything in its path. Black trucks start to blend in with the sand and the people walking around slightly like Darth Vader, completely covered. You eye protection, which you have to wear whenever outside, becomes extremly important. You begin to pray that it will be enough to keep everything in the air out of your eyes. They don't but praying never hurt a situation. Taking a shower also seemed like a useless thing to do by this point, but has to be done regardless. It didn't really matter because I was yet again covered in sand by the time I returned to the bay.
When I left for work it was starting to sprinkel. It still wasn't helping much but if it could just rain for 10 solid minutes, I mean a good heavy rain, it would help out alot.
I hope it clears up before my friends birthday party. I would hate for it to ruin her birthday party. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Keep up with me
Love,
Clare Kathryn
Headaches
Well I went to sick call for the first time here this morning. It was kind of a weird thing. I continuously get told by my SGT's that I shouldn't go places by myself, to use the Battle Buddy system. This morning on the other hand they just said go to sick call. I had to go by myself. I was sitting on the bus realizing why I never take the bus by myself. It's really kind of creepy.
So anyway I went there for headaches right? Well once upon a time, in Fort Gordon, I had the same kind of headaches. I was standing infront of formation one day and a soldier came up to ask me something and I straight clean passed out. Luckily someone was there to catch me before i hit the ground but in any case I woke up about ten minutes later in the CQ office. After arguing for about ten minutes with a sergaent about having to go, they sent me to the hospital. Once I got there they were so worried that I had a headache right before I passed out that they were literally freaking out. They did a spinal tap and a brain scan and pumped my IV with some clear liquid which I was told was one step up from Morphine (so needless to say I definatly did not feel the spinal tap). Well over the next 5 days I was sent back to the hospital three times. Apperently after the spinal tap, spinal fluid had leeked out and was causing a spinal headache. Let me tell you anything medical involving your spine sucks don't try it. So the last time I went in they gave me a blood patch. Just in case your wondering a blood patch is when they take about a size 8 needle and stick it in your back, then take 20 CC's of blood from your arm and stick it in your back. Yet again needless to say I definatly felt that one. So conclusion is that headaches for me equals no bueno.
Sick call did exactly what I figured they would do they gave me some awesome drugs and sent me on my way. I got to work a little after ten but it didn't seem like anyone noticed. I have a SSG that is trying to loose weight but I love messing him up. I am in no way trying to lose weight, tone up maybe but loose weight definatly not. So I'm bringing candy and snacks in and SSG does good in the morning but by mid-afternoon I've broken his self control. I'm horrible but he isn't fat anyway, he just thinks he is.
Anyway, it's thursday so that means country night. Definatly my favorite night this week since I won't be able to stay long on Saterday. There is a girls birthday party on Friday that I'm going to. It should be fun. I hope I get to do something like that on my birthday. I need to since I'll be turning 21 in a dry country. All that means though is Pappa your driving home from the airport at leave because mom and I are having a beer at the airport.
Everyone have a good day!! Keep Up with me!!
Love
Clare Kathryn
So anyway I went there for headaches right? Well once upon a time, in Fort Gordon, I had the same kind of headaches. I was standing infront of formation one day and a soldier came up to ask me something and I straight clean passed out. Luckily someone was there to catch me before i hit the ground but in any case I woke up about ten minutes later in the CQ office. After arguing for about ten minutes with a sergaent about having to go, they sent me to the hospital. Once I got there they were so worried that I had a headache right before I passed out that they were literally freaking out. They did a spinal tap and a brain scan and pumped my IV with some clear liquid which I was told was one step up from Morphine (so needless to say I definatly did not feel the spinal tap). Well over the next 5 days I was sent back to the hospital three times. Apperently after the spinal tap, spinal fluid had leeked out and was causing a spinal headache. Let me tell you anything medical involving your spine sucks don't try it. So the last time I went in they gave me a blood patch. Just in case your wondering a blood patch is when they take about a size 8 needle and stick it in your back, then take 20 CC's of blood from your arm and stick it in your back. Yet again needless to say I definatly felt that one. So conclusion is that headaches for me equals no bueno.
Sick call did exactly what I figured they would do they gave me some awesome drugs and sent me on my way. I got to work a little after ten but it didn't seem like anyone noticed. I have a SSG that is trying to loose weight but I love messing him up. I am in no way trying to lose weight, tone up maybe but loose weight definatly not. So I'm bringing candy and snacks in and SSG does good in the morning but by mid-afternoon I've broken his self control. I'm horrible but he isn't fat anyway, he just thinks he is.
Anyway, it's thursday so that means country night. Definatly my favorite night this week since I won't be able to stay long on Saterday. There is a girls birthday party on Friday that I'm going to. It should be fun. I hope I get to do something like that on my birthday. I need to since I'll be turning 21 in a dry country. All that means though is Pappa your driving home from the airport at leave because mom and I are having a beer at the airport.
Everyone have a good day!! Keep Up with me!!
Love
Clare Kathryn
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Karaoke and Chief
Slowly the week is beginning to get started. Tuesday has come and gone. It was actually a really good day though.
I'll tell you about work first. I got to work on time, and about and hour after I got there my SGT told me that he was going to work on something. I looked at him said ok and he left. Well nearly as soon as he told me I forgot. So anytime someone asked for him all I could do was give a wierd look and say "uhh don't know." That didn't impress anyone but they overlooked it. Chief on the other hand had a whole list of things that I needed to do. Now please remember that I'm not very knowlegable about my job yet so I say HUH? alot. As Chief is giving me this list all i keep thinking as "holy shit I have no idea what he is talking about." Also because I seem to be the only person in the office that likes and or can use PowerPoint I get to create alot of slides. So it took me a good minute but I actually figured everything out made a bunch of phone calls, annoyed alot of sergeants but damn if I didn't get it done. After I got chief all he had asked for he looked and me and said " you did good grasshopper, you did good." I was like "hell yea" I mean shit I finally felt like I did something important, even if it was only for a second.
After work came Karaoke. I was good times. Karaoke is held at the stage around where I live so it takes very little energy to make it over there. I got up and sang "I'll think of a reason later" by LeAnn Womack and "Wiskey Lullaby" By Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss with Joe. We stood around smoking hooka (which is flavored tobacco out of a bong looking thing) and one of my friends brought me a boom boom. I don't know why he did, but I feel like it was so he could laugh at me all hyper. Trust me it worked its a little can no bigger than my hand and is the equivalant to over three and a half red bulls. I was bouncing off the walls. It was rediculous. I had a really good time though.
The sad part is that it is Maria's time to take leave. I'm going to miss her so much. Now I don't have any person to talk shit with me.
O well I guess I should get to work to start a new day.
I'll tell you about work first. I got to work on time, and about and hour after I got there my SGT told me that he was going to work on something. I looked at him said ok and he left. Well nearly as soon as he told me I forgot. So anytime someone asked for him all I could do was give a wierd look and say "uhh don't know." That didn't impress anyone but they overlooked it. Chief on the other hand had a whole list of things that I needed to do. Now please remember that I'm not very knowlegable about my job yet so I say HUH? alot. As Chief is giving me this list all i keep thinking as "holy shit I have no idea what he is talking about." Also because I seem to be the only person in the office that likes and or can use PowerPoint I get to create alot of slides. So it took me a good minute but I actually figured everything out made a bunch of phone calls, annoyed alot of sergeants but damn if I didn't get it done. After I got chief all he had asked for he looked and me and said " you did good grasshopper, you did good." I was like "hell yea" I mean shit I finally felt like I did something important, even if it was only for a second.
After work came Karaoke. I was good times. Karaoke is held at the stage around where I live so it takes very little energy to make it over there. I got up and sang "I'll think of a reason later" by LeAnn Womack and "Wiskey Lullaby" By Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss with Joe. We stood around smoking hooka (which is flavored tobacco out of a bong looking thing) and one of my friends brought me a boom boom. I don't know why he did, but I feel like it was so he could laugh at me all hyper. Trust me it worked its a little can no bigger than my hand and is the equivalant to over three and a half red bulls. I was bouncing off the walls. It was rediculous. I had a really good time though.
The sad part is that it is Maria's time to take leave. I'm going to miss her so much. Now I don't have any person to talk shit with me.
O well I guess I should get to work to start a new day.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Flipper
O Mondays.
It wasn't so bad. I really can't complain. I did stay up to late last night and ended up being falling asleep in between pt and work. Result of that was being late to work. No one got mad or anything. It might have been because I'm never late and the only thing i had to do was flip slides for the maintenance meeting. Which incedintly is how i got my nickname. Chief calls me Flipper. It doesn't bother me because it seems to make him happy. I also actually feel a little accompished. I helped someone that called without my SGT's help. I feel like I'm getting the hang of this. Even though a 4 year old could do it, I still feel good.
Anyway tomorrow should be more eventful... It's kareoke night WOO HOO
so til then...love peace and chicken grease
It wasn't so bad. I really can't complain. I did stay up to late last night and ended up being falling asleep in between pt and work. Result of that was being late to work. No one got mad or anything. It might have been because I'm never late and the only thing i had to do was flip slides for the maintenance meeting. Which incedintly is how i got my nickname. Chief calls me Flipper. It doesn't bother me because it seems to make him happy. I also actually feel a little accompished. I helped someone that called without my SGT's help. I feel like I'm getting the hang of this. Even though a 4 year old could do it, I still feel good.
Anyway tomorrow should be more eventful... It's kareoke night WOO HOO
so til then...love peace and chicken grease
Sunday, May 9, 2010
One More Time With One More Night
You know someone asked me a really good question. He asked me why I blogged. "Why do you think someone else wants to hear you vent. What makes your thoughts and opinions so important?" Ya know it made me think. There isn't anything special, and yes I could probably do this on my word program and feel about the same. I think though that its the thought that maybe someone does care. That maybe in expressing myself might make someone else feel ok that they feel that way to.
If I could make just one person feel less alone I have accomplished something.
The same conversation that I had with that man, we talked about deodorant and funk. Which in the normal world would seem like a totally outrageously retarded, crud conversation. In the middle of Kuwait in the army though it is just another slice of life that keeps things interesting. Now to tell all this and not explain this man would be a crime.
For online and blogging purposes I'll just call him D. D is tall, tanned, and bald. He looks around very early thirties or younger. While looking at that man on the other hand, if he out ranks me (which I'm sure he does), I would probably cry if he got into chewing my ass. So quite scary he could be, but when he smiles it melts his face.
While talking to D he has basically to facial expressions; Angry and laughing. When I first met him I wondered if he was just angry all the time. Then I got to know him. He is funny, and incredibly smart. He in some ways remind me of my father in his brilliance. Maybe that's why I feel so adamant about describing him.
I don't know I met so many new people here that even if I tried I couldn't begin to give them all their own thing. It's ok know you'll meet people I feel help me, remind me, try me, or sustain me.
GOOGLE EMOTION
that's for you D
If I could make just one person feel less alone I have accomplished something.
The same conversation that I had with that man, we talked about deodorant and funk. Which in the normal world would seem like a totally outrageously retarded, crud conversation. In the middle of Kuwait in the army though it is just another slice of life that keeps things interesting. Now to tell all this and not explain this man would be a crime.
For online and blogging purposes I'll just call him D. D is tall, tanned, and bald. He looks around very early thirties or younger. While looking at that man on the other hand, if he out ranks me (which I'm sure he does), I would probably cry if he got into chewing my ass. So quite scary he could be, but when he smiles it melts his face.
While talking to D he has basically to facial expressions; Angry and laughing. When I first met him I wondered if he was just angry all the time. Then I got to know him. He is funny, and incredibly smart. He in some ways remind me of my father in his brilliance. Maybe that's why I feel so adamant about describing him.
I don't know I met so many new people here that even if I tried I couldn't begin to give them all their own thing. It's ok know you'll meet people I feel help me, remind me, try me, or sustain me.
GOOGLE EMOTION
that's for you D
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mornings
O Goodness this morning is great!
I swear it's just Sunday mornings. They are good weither your here or in the states. It doesn't matter if you spend it at church, or just slept in.
I took the sleep in road today. I stayed out way to late at country night last night and had a blast. A buddy and I were on fire with jokes on anyone that got in our way. And the dancing of course was awesome...complements to JJ being a great partner. I also love meeting new people. As I said sometimes that rank thing gets in the way but not on country night. It's like i don't have to worry about anything like that. I just get to enjoy the company of the people around me. I get to laugh at what I think is funny, and talk shit during spades lol. I get to learn things from people that were born above the Mason Dixin Line. Since I've never been that far north I always wonder how different it is. Come to find out the differences are few and far between.
Unfortunatly though, I do have to go to work today, but lunch with Maria is always something to look forward to! I hope I won't have to stay at work for to long though and they let me have some more of my day off.
Right now, as I type this, I'm suddenly realizing how comfortable my bed is. I feel excluded in my little fort that blocks out all light. Now I'm wondering why I'm awake at all. I still have a long time til I have to get up. Hmmm I wonder I wonder.
Have a great day and keep up with me
not much ever happens
I swear it's just Sunday mornings. They are good weither your here or in the states. It doesn't matter if you spend it at church, or just slept in.
I took the sleep in road today. I stayed out way to late at country night last night and had a blast. A buddy and I were on fire with jokes on anyone that got in our way. And the dancing of course was awesome...complements to JJ being a great partner. I also love meeting new people. As I said sometimes that rank thing gets in the way but not on country night. It's like i don't have to worry about anything like that. I just get to enjoy the company of the people around me. I get to laugh at what I think is funny, and talk shit during spades lol. I get to learn things from people that were born above the Mason Dixin Line. Since I've never been that far north I always wonder how different it is. Come to find out the differences are few and far between.
Unfortunatly though, I do have to go to work today, but lunch with Maria is always something to look forward to! I hope I won't have to stay at work for to long though and they let me have some more of my day off.
Right now, as I type this, I'm suddenly realizing how comfortable my bed is. I feel excluded in my little fort that blocks out all light. Now I'm wondering why I'm awake at all. I still have a long time til I have to get up. Hmmm I wonder I wonder.
Have a great day and keep up with me
not much ever happens
The One The Only....
So this is my first time doing this whole blogging thing. I don't know if I'm going to like it but hey it's always good to try something new right? The reason I'm doing it though is because I need some place that I can vent, I guess.
If you don't know. I'm in the Army. I'm currently in Kuwait.
Nothing here is hard. The work load is easy and I have everything here that I do in the states. Well minus a car, but there are buses and everything is within walking distance. There is something on the other hand that changes everything.
See the military changes the way that you look at people. Rank means everything. If you don't have it your shit, and you get treated that way. Lower enlisted people spend alot of time as gum on the bottom of a Sergeants combat boot. Let me tell you combat boots are heavy even without the people in them. So it becomes to where you won't talk to people even out of uniform because of what rank they MIGHT be. I try to not do that but sometimes it's hard. Not only that but you can't get close to people. Giving a hug even feels forbidden even though it's not. I generally like people and it's hard for me to lose personal contact with people and suddenly feel alone.
I'm also having trouble dealing with things back home. When I got here my brother, Evan (and if your reading this and don't know about Evan than keep reading and I might explain him someday,) told me that his wife is here in Kuwait. Well his wife, Maria, is awesome. She is easy to get along with and she isn't a whiny complainy female. It seems though the more I hang out with her the more that I realize I am no longer important to my brother. It's nothing that maria has said or done to make me think that it's just....I don't know.
I feel like I need an escape from my brain. To find a place in my heart to trap myself inside. To feel that feeling you feel as a child when Pappa holds you in his arms and rocks you to sleep. That safety that securety, the ability to hide away and become invisable.
Because I am invisable,
And alone
While holding onto my past
And the little sanity I possess
Keep up with me, this one was kinda depressing but it will get better I promise.
Clare Kathryn
If you don't know. I'm in the Army. I'm currently in Kuwait.
Nothing here is hard. The work load is easy and I have everything here that I do in the states. Well minus a car, but there are buses and everything is within walking distance. There is something on the other hand that changes everything.
See the military changes the way that you look at people. Rank means everything. If you don't have it your shit, and you get treated that way. Lower enlisted people spend alot of time as gum on the bottom of a Sergeants combat boot. Let me tell you combat boots are heavy even without the people in them. So it becomes to where you won't talk to people even out of uniform because of what rank they MIGHT be. I try to not do that but sometimes it's hard. Not only that but you can't get close to people. Giving a hug even feels forbidden even though it's not. I generally like people and it's hard for me to lose personal contact with people and suddenly feel alone.
I'm also having trouble dealing with things back home. When I got here my brother, Evan (and if your reading this and don't know about Evan than keep reading and I might explain him someday,) told me that his wife is here in Kuwait. Well his wife, Maria, is awesome. She is easy to get along with and she isn't a whiny complainy female. It seems though the more I hang out with her the more that I realize I am no longer important to my brother. It's nothing that maria has said or done to make me think that it's just....I don't know.
I feel like I need an escape from my brain. To find a place in my heart to trap myself inside. To feel that feeling you feel as a child when Pappa holds you in his arms and rocks you to sleep. That safety that securety, the ability to hide away and become invisable.
Because I am invisable,
And alone
While holding onto my past
And the little sanity I possess
Keep up with me, this one was kinda depressing but it will get better I promise.
Clare Kathryn
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